I’ve figured out how to eliminate all drama from the internet in a few easy steps.

Please don’t assume something is about you. Chances are, it’s not. I know it’s hard for all of us to hear, but the world really isn’t revolving around each of us. Few people have specific targets in mind as we go through life. Sometimes a post is just a post. MOST of the time, I’d wager. So before you think to yourself, “Well, what did she mean by that?” or “Is that supposed to be about me?” Just…stop. Step away from the internet, go for a walk in the sunshine, eat some noodles.

If it’s really under your skin, and you just cannot move forward in life without finding out the intent of whatever’s bugging you, here’s what you need to do. CALL THAT PERSON ON THE PHONE. Have an actual conversation, comprised of spoken words. Perhaps you don’t have that person’s phone number. I understand. Here’s what to do in that case. Find their email address, and send them an email that says, “Hey! I need to talk to you about something. Can you give me a call at ____ ? Thanks!” (Insert your phone number there.)

Here is what NOT to do. Do NOT post a vague comment or tweet, laced with hostility. Do NOT confront them publicly, on their Facebook wall, on Twitter, or in their blog comments. Do NOT write a passive aggressive note to them. (You could end up here!) It doesn’t matter how much you pepper your post with uppercase letters, winking smilies, and lols – people will misinterpret your tone and interpret what you’re saying in a completely different way than you mean. Pick up the goddamn phone and have a conversation like an adult. Think to yourself, “How would I have handled this problem if we lived in the year 1989?” Here’s how: you’d pick up the phone and call them up. You’d bitch about it to your husband, not to the entire world wide web. You’d have done all of this while wearing Shine Free purple mascara and 5″ high bangs, plastered into place with Bold Hold hairspray. But that’s what you would have done.

If everyone would just follow this philosophy – first, don’t assume it’s about you – and second, don’t try to get to the bottom of things through your keyboard – SO MUCH DRAMA could be averted. We could change the world, people.